Explaining my reasons (for not wanting to) proved futile, and he only used them against me (via the aforementioned gaslighting). However, as I process the trauma, I find it cathartic to delineate, for no one other than myself (and perhaps others who may relate) what my reasons were because I find it affirming. When I articulate why I protested against any sexual activity, I realize the depth of betrayal, the intensity of psychological torment, and the feelings of hopelessness I bore throughout those hellacious years. It empowers present day Me to nurture and comfort the past Me because past Me endured it all in isolation, alienated from my peers, terrified of my family, and wracked with guilt and shame.
The social medias really do not want me to share this information, but I believe it is vital to victims’—to survivors’—recovery from sexual trauma. Had I access to this information when I was 16, I may have ended my relationship with my abuser much sooner. I may have mitigated some of the traumatic impact of that relationship. Had I access to this information at 20, I may have begun to recover from the trauma then (rather than in my 30s), because I’d have had language to articulate my experiences, and it is only through the external articulation of trauma that we find healing.
Beliefs shape identity, but families shape beliefs. I suspect this is why Freud, and Lacan who followed, asserted that we are all divided subjects. We think we know who we are, but identity is enveloped in our interpretations of the perceptions others have of us. Where is the agency in that?
You may have noticed a total overhaul to my website. I am transforming the site to feature my short form video content, since that is the primary form I’ve been presenting in lately. Please take a moment to browse my collections, and enjoy videos I’ve created for TikTok and Instagram Reels. Now that I am moving my content to this website, I will be creating videos for the express purpose of sharing them with you. I will maintain my presence on the other platforms, but some of the content I post there doesn’t get pushed out to the masses (thanks to quirky algorithms), so I will have it all here for your viewing pleasure.
When gripped by terror and anxious ruminations regarding the risk of my automotive travels, mom settled on what she deemed the only solution. Were my mom’s intent to actually protect her child, as opposed to simply mollify her own disquiet, perhaps, she’d have considered other options.
I enrolled in college at 17. My parents refused to allow me to live on campus. They let me choose between two universities within driving distance from our home; I selected Nicholls State University, in Thibodaux, Louisiana. It was a 45 minute commute, through cane fields, and along the banks of the bayou.
While I am admittedly domestically deficient, I am also creatively proficient. I’ve been less active here on the blog because …
Wanna know how I Survived the Shit?! I finally, after a million years, recognized that it came from someone else to begin with! Don’t get me wrong–I am a firm believer in taking personal responsibility for my own actions–but personal responsibility does not require accepting responsibility for things others do to me.
In this episode of Surviving the Shit, I begin to investigate the role of an inflexible moral code upon my …
In today’s episode of Dissecting Dumb Shit, I discuss the use of compulsion as a defense against helplessness. I share my own experience with Pure O- OCD. Enjoy!