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The Nightmare on Auti Street

I endured an online cancel campaign. I now feel demoralized because I know I did nothing wrong, and I am convinced that the leaders of the cancel campaigns were led by unethical motives. Consequently, I’ve grown exceedingly suspicious of woke culture, identity politics, anti-racism activism, and CRT. Together with bad actors motivated by greed for power, they have been utilized as weapons of civic discord.

The Good, The Bad, and The In Between

Now that I’ve committed to the decision to bow out of the TikTok community, I have begun (as per my typical response to opportunities terminated) to deconstruct the entire experience. With that said, I created a video for IGTV and YouTube that explains how I achieved success on the platform, and why I refuse to continue doing what is necessary in order to sustain that form of success.

2021 Vision

When I began my website, and when I began producing video content, I was far along my journey of religious deconstruction. I’d begun studying philosophy and psychoanalysis and I wanted a medium through which I could process new insights–to analyze my past experience and to reconstruct the narrative of my existence.

Writing–creating–became a rite of exorcism as I purged my psyche and the demons writhed across the lines.

My website, in particular, and the act of creating, generally, has always been primarily for me–for catharsis and for healing.

Benjamin Bloom identified evaluation as the highest level of intellectual behavior for learning. When we evaluate, we appraise, we judge, we assess, we defend, but it isn’t enough to do these within the confines of the mind. The production of something tangible–the act of producing, itself–deepens understanding and certifies absorption by the psyche of all we’ve dismantled, analyzed, critiqued, and reconstructed. The act of creating anchors insight. Anchored insight emboldens resolve, and bold resolve affirms conviction, which is absolutely necessary for the birth of authentic ethics.

Authentic ethics is my ultimate goal.

This year, I endeavor to honor my roots–by producing content with this sublime goal in mind.

I intend to shift my focus away from social media and onto my website–not to abandon social media altogether–but to produce content for my internet home that aligns with my original intent.

Last year, I lost sight of my true purpose. Platforms and algorithms have a way of diluting content by imposing artificial standards on creators. I’ve allowed “the algorithm,” in all its varied manifestations, to shape the arc of my creation, and it is my aim to abandon that error.

Going forward, I will focus my efforts on producing what I want to produce for my website (my platform), and when it is appropriate, I will share what I can to social media. I am permitting myself to be the author of my own destiny, and it is my hope that you’ll visit from time to time and find respite and refreshment when you do.

The Dollhouse

As an autistic person, I often struggle to understand the origins of my feelings, in spite of the fact that they overwhelm me. Creating content like this helps me understand myself better. It helps me to reframe the narrative of my experience, contextualizing all within the landscape of family dysfunction, and the disconnect between my experience and my parents’ perception of me.

I Didn’t Want To

Explaining my reasons (for not wanting to) proved futile, and he only used them against me (via the aforementioned gaslighting). However, as I process the trauma, I find it cathartic to delineate, for no one other than myself (and perhaps others who may relate) what my reasons were because I find it affirming. When I articulate why I protested against any sexual activity, I realize the depth of betrayal, the intensity of psychological torment, and the feelings of hopelessness I bore throughout those hellacious years. It empowers present day Me to nurture and comfort the past Me because past Me endured it all in isolation, alienated from my peers, terrified of my family, and wracked with guilt and shame.

Defining R^p3

The social medias really do not want me to share this information, but I believe it is vital to victims’—to survivors’—recovery from sexual trauma. Had I access to this information when I was 16, I may have ended my relationship with my abuser much sooner. I may have mitigated some of the traumatic impact of that relationship. Had I access to this information at 20, I may have begun to recover from the trauma then (rather than in my 30s), because I’d have had language to articulate my experiences, and it is only through the external articulation of trauma that we find healing.

Families, Beliefs, and Identity

Beliefs shape identity, but families shape beliefs. I suspect this is why Freud, and Lacan who followed, asserted that we are all divided subjects. We think we know who we are, but identity is enveloped in our interpretations of the perceptions others have of us. Where is the agency in that?

An Impotent Talisman

When gripped by terror and anxious ruminations regarding the risk of my automotive travels, mom settled on what she deemed the only solution. Were my mom’s intent to actually protect her child, as opposed to simply mollify her own disquiet, perhaps, she’d have considered other options.